01.

The Fantasy Bond in Childhood and Intimate Relationships

童年时期与亲密感情关系中的“幻想亲密”

The human experience can be conceptualized as a series of separation experiences ending with death，the ultimate separation. Each successive separation or movement through life — separating from the mother’s body at birth and later from her breast，beginning to walk，talk，and develop a sense of self，going to school，dating，marrying，and becoming a parent and grandparent—predisposes an individual to anxiety. The basic tenet of my theoretical system is the concept of the fantasy bond: the core defense against separation，and later，death anxiety. The fantasy bond refers to the forming of a fantasy of connection or fusion，originally with the mother or primary caretaker，and later with other family members and romantic partners，in order to compensate for emotional pain and separation anxiety. The illusion offers the child some relief from primal pain，but at the same time，the fantasy processes contribute to various degrees of maladaptation. How people cope with trauma and existential fear，and form defenses，will ultimately determine the course of their emotional lives.

人类经历可以概念化为以死亡为终点的一系列的分离经历，而死亡则是终极分离。

生命中接连不断的分离或动向——出生时离开母亲的身体，离开母亲的怀抱，开始走路、说话、开始形成自我意识，上学、约会、结婚、成为一名父母或祖父母——都会让一个人感到焦虑。

我的理论体系的基本理念，是“幻想亲密”的概念：这是抵抗分离，以及在后期抵抗死亡焦虑的核心防御机制。

of，“幻想亲密”，是指一种所幻想出的密切联系或融为一体，最初是幻想与母亲或主要看护人之间的紧密关系，之后是与其他家庭成员和爱情伴侣，目的是为了弥补心理伤痛和分离焦虑。

这种所幻想的假象，为孩子的原始伤痛提供了一些慰藉。但同时，这一过程也会助长不同程度的适应不良行为。

人们如何应对创伤和生存恐惧，如何形成防御机制，最终将决定他们情感生活的走向。

Even under ideal developmental conditions，children suffer a certain amount of hurt and frustration and are likely to form defenses to cope with the stress brought about by these experiences. Along with existential realities，family life does not always adequately provide for the healthy emotional nurturance of children. Many parents are immature and critical，even hostile or punitive，and reject the child，causing him or her considerable pain and distress. The child’s fantasized connection with its parent helps alleviate frustration and anxiety by providing partial gratification of his/her emotional needs. The fantasy bond does not refer to a positive bonding between child and parent; indeed，it is a substitute or compensation for the love and care that is missing in the infant’s environment. The need for and the dependence on the fantasy connection is directly proportional to the degree of trauma.

即使在完美成长条件下，孩子也会遭受一定程度的伤害和挫败，而且可能会形成防御机制，在应对这些经历所导致的压力。不仅现实生活，我们的家庭生活也并不总是能够提供足够的健康精神滋养。

很多父母并不成熟，而且批判苛责，甚至心怀敌意或常常惩罚孩子，会拒绝孩子，为孩子带来强烈痛苦感受。

这种情形下，孩子所幻想的与父母之间的密切关系，能够在一定程度上满足她/他的情感需求，从而减缓其沮丧焦虑感。

这种“幻想亲密”并非是指父母和孩子之间的良性亲密关系，实际上，它是对婴儿环境中所缺失的爱与关怀的替代物和补偿。

对这种“幻想亲密”的需求以及依赖程度，与创伤程度呈正比关系。

02.

“Fantasy Bond”greatly reduces the possibility of real intimacy

“幻想亲密”会阻碍真正亲密关系的形成

Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an image of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds，which exist in a large majority of relationships，greatly reduce the possibility of couples achieving intimacy.

很多人对亲密感心存恐惧，会自我保护，同时又害怕孤独。对于这种矛盾情绪，他们的解决方案是建立一种“幻想亲密”。这种亲密的假象让他们能够维持爱与关爱的表象，同时又保持情感距离。具有摧毁性的幻想亲密，存在于大多数感情关系之中，它会大幅降低恋人之间建立真正亲密关系的可能性。

Fantasy bond explains people's compulsion to relive the past with new relationships—to form illusory connections that invariably lead to a reenactment of defensive styles of interacting developed in childhood.

“幻想亲密”，解释了人们为何会在新恋情中不断强迫性地重复过往，建立亲密假象，这无一例外地会导致童年时期所形成的互动防御机制的重演。

This process of reverting to outmoded defense patterns interferes with the establishment of secure and satisfying adult relationships characterized by feelings of humanity，compassion，and equality. Once a fantasy bond is formed，individuals prefer to maintain a defensive posture rather than trusting and investing genuine feeing in others. Having once been hurt，they are reluctant to take a chance again and this defensive pattern has an insidious effect on couple and family relationships.

回归过往防御模式，会阻碍实现以人性、同情和平等为特征的安全、令人满足的成年感情关系。一旦建立貌合神离的幻想亲密关系，两人会更愿意处于防御状态，而非互相信任，付出真挚情感。因为曾经被伤害，他们不愿意再次冒险。这种防御模式悄然危害着恋人和家庭关系。

03.

There are four important dynamics associated with the fantasy bond:

有四种与“幻想亲密”相关的重要关系模式：

1. Children idealize the mother or primary caretaker and tend to deny or cover up painful abuses suffered in that relationship.

1. 孩子将母亲或主要看护人理想化，常常会否认或掩盖这段关系中所遭受的痛苦虐待。

2. Because of the child’s total helplessness and dependency，it is too threatening to attack or find fault with the parental figure. Therefore，the child incorporates negative attitudes，and attacks him- or herself，accepting the idea that he/she is unlovable，dirty，bad，a burden。

2. 由于孩子的完全无助和依赖性，去攻击或指责父母或看护者是具有很大风险的，因此，孩子会内化负面态度，攻击自我，接受自己无可爱之处、脏、坏或是负担这些观念。

3. Children project their parents’ negative traits，emotional mistreatment，and abusive characteristics onto the world at large，leaving the child suspicious and fearful of other individuals，and generally ill-at-ease in life.

3. 孩子将父母的负面特征、精神虐待以及虐待型特征投射到整个现实世界，the，让孩子质疑并恐惧其他个体，在生活中无所适从。

4. Finally，through the process of identification，children come to manifest specific，negative characteristics of their parents in their own personalities，thereby becoming a more hurtful or objectionable person. The fantasy bond，together with rudimentary self-nurturing，self-soothing behaviors，such as thumb sucking or hugging a favorite blanket，becomes part of a self-parenting process that leads to a false sense of self-sufficiency. Later in life，this can lead to addictive propensities，such as eating disorders，drug and alcohol abuse，and other self-nurturing behaviors. To some extent，infants and young children can develop a posture of pseudo-independence and omnipotence because they have introjected an image of the “good and powerful” parent into the self and therefore maintain the illusion that they don’t need anything from the outside. However，as mentioned earlier，they have also incorporated their parents’ rejecting attitudes and hostile views toward them and come to see themselves through unfriendly eyes. The resultant negative self-concept，expressed in the form of self-attacking voices，serves to become part of an anti-self-system — an internal enemy that persists throughout life.Once a fantasy bond is formed，the principal goal of most people is to rely on the safety and security of this imagined connection; often they come to prefer fantasy gratification to real satisfaction and love from others. Thereafter，genuine indications of being loved and valued may，at times，arouse anxiety and lead to hostility toward the very people who offer them the greatest satisfaction.

4. 最后，通过认同，孩子开始在个人性格中展现他们父母的一些特定负面特征，由此成长为更具伤害性、或更惹人讨厌的人。

幻想亲密，以及初始的自我照顾，自我安慰行为，比如吮吸拇指或抱着心爱的小毛毯等，都成为“自我养育”过程的一部分，从而形成一种虚假的自给自足感。之后，这可能会导致一些成瘾倾向，比如饮食障碍、毒品或酒精滥用、或其他自我照顾行为。在一定程度上，婴儿和低龄儿童会形成一种伪独立和无所不能的姿态，因为他们内摄（潜意识摄取）了“美好强大”的父母形象，因此就持有一种错觉，认为自己不需要外界任何东西。

但，正如之前所提到的，他们也内化了父母对他们的拒绝和敌视态度，因此开始从不友好的视角看待自己。因此所导致的以自我攻击式声音所表现出的负面自我概念就成为了“自我敌对系统”的一部分——这是延续终生的内在敌人。

链接: https://pan.baidu.com/s/14KCVz3RS9gdESwX1AU5Rfg 提取码: bfd9 书名：不成熟的父母 作者：[美] 琳赛·吉布森（Lindsay C. Gibson）译者：魏宁 豆瓣评分：8.7 出版社：机械工业出版社 出版年份：2017-6 。

一旦形成一种幻想亲密关系，大多数人的主要目标是依赖于这种所幻想亲密关系所提供的安全感。通常，他们会更偏向于所想象的满足感，而非真正的满足感以及来自别人的真正的爱。之后，当出现真挚的被爱、被珍惜的迹象时，有时可能会引起他们焦虑，从而会导致他们恰恰对给予他们最大满足感的人采取敌视态度。

04.

How the Fantasy Bond Develops in Intimate Relationships亲密感情关系中“幻想亲密”如何形成

Men and women are most likely to become romantically involved at a stage in their lives where they are breaking dependent emotional ties with their families and experiencing a sense of separateness and independence. As they reach out and risk more of themselves emotionally，they tend to attract others with their vitality and enthusiasm. In the first stages of the relationship，they tend to let down their defenses and be open and vulnerable.

当男性和女性切断与各自原生家庭的依赖关系，开始经历一种分离感和独立感时，在这一阶段，他们最可能建立爱情关系。当他们更多是冒着自己情感受伤害的风险，主动追求爱情，他们常常会因为个人的活力与热情而吸引他人。在恋爱初始阶段，他们常常放下戒备防御之心，坦诚且脆弱。

尽管陷入爱情的这一状态热烈激荡且令人兴奋，但同时它也会令人感到害怕。对失去和被抛弃的恐惧感，以及正面情绪常引发的强烈悲伤，可能会变得难以承受，尤其是对于在人生早期缺乏爱的那些人而言。在这一阶段，人们开始感到焦虑或害怕，他们会回避亲近感，慢慢地，放弃他们感情中最宝贵的那些特质，开始形成一种幻想亲密。

他们会逐渐用幻想之爱或幻想之亲密来替代真正的感情关系，就像是他们可能在童年时期对父母或主要看护人所做的一样。

可以无理取闹到说你没有做过的。跟他们说他们的问题，他们根本不接受。而且我们一忍再忍，而他们以为征服了，越说语气越不好。而且在外边根本不顾及孩子的脸面。靠自己的心情做事。他们虽然很爱我们，但是我觉得，也不能。

他们会试图复制他们童年时期所经历的情感环境，而且他们通常会采用以下三种主要模式：

1. Selection: People tend to select partners who are similar in appearance or personality to a family

选择：人们通常会选择在外观或个性上与某位家庭成员相似的伴侣。

2. Distortion: Partners tend to alter or distort their perceptions of each other in a direction that more closely resembles a person in their family of origin.

歪曲：伴侣之间通常会根据自己原生家庭某位成员的特征，来解读彼此，从而更改或歪曲对彼此的认知。

3. Provocation: If the first two methods fail to establish emotional equilibrium，partners are inclined to manipulate each other in order to replicate familiar parental responses. They may achieve this by acting incompetent，with displays of anger (shown through temper tantrums) and bullying，or through other childish，regressed behaviors. Often，the most tender and intimate moments are followed by provocations that create distance.

挑衅：如果通过上述两种方式没有建立心理平衡状态*，双方会倾向于操纵对方，以复制自己所熟悉的父母反应。他们可能通过表现出能力不足、发泄愤怒（通过发脾气的方式）和欺凌行为，或通过其他幼稚、退行行为等实现这一目标。通常，在最温柔和亲密的时刻之后，会紧跟着会导致距离的挑衅行为。

*By the time most people reach adulthood，they have solidified their defenses and exist in a psychological equilibrium that they do not wish to disturb. Although they may be relatively congenial with more casual acquaintances，there is a deterioration in friendly and respectful feelings as a relationship becomes more meaningful and intimate，because the new love object now threatens to disrupt this balance by penetrating their basic defenses.

大多数人进入成年期时，他们已经固化了他们的防御机制，形成了一种心理平衡状态，而且他们并不希望扰乱这一平衡。尽管他们与一般朋友可能会比较友好，但当随着爱情关系逐渐有意义、逐渐亲密时，他们的友好和亲密程度就会逐渐降低，因为这一新的爱情对象可能会侵入他们的基本防御体系，打破他们的这一心理平衡状态。

05.

Symptoms of a Fantasy Bond in the Couple

夫妻之间“幻想亲密”的迹象

Early symptoms of a fantasy bond include diminished eye contact between partners，less honesty and more duplicity，bickering，interrupting，speaking for the other，and/or talking as a unit. And those who spent hours in conversation in the early phases of the relationship，begin to lose interest in both talking and listening. Also，spontaneity and playfulness gradually decrease. Often the partners develop a routinized，mechanical style of lovemaking and experience a reduction in the level of sexual attraction and satisfaction.

“幻想亲密”的早期迹象包括：双方之间眼神接触减少、坦诚度降低、更多欺骗、争吵、打断、为对方代言以及/或在谈话时将彼此捆绑为一体。而且，在这段感情早期曾会对话数小时的两个人，开始对谈话和聆听都失去兴趣。同时，自发性和乐趣都逐渐消退。通常，双方会形成一种惯例化、机械式的性爱模式，性爱吸引度和满足程度均降低。

This decline in the quality of relating is not the inevitable result of familiarity，as many assume. Instead，it is due to insecurity，deadening habitual patterns，exaggerated dependency，negative projections，loss of independence，and a sense of obligation. As time goes by，one or both partners generally begin to sacrifice their individuality to become one half of a couple，which tends to diminish their basic attraction to each other. Eventually，many people are left with only a fantasy of love. They preserve this illusion of love through routines，rituals (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries)，and role-playing，despite the fact that an objective observation of how they are actually treating each other may no longer resemble any reasonable definition of love.

别理他呗，，他无理取闹我就跑的远远的，不跟他两闹，让他自己闹去吧，，

这种关系质量的下降，并非是如大家所假设的，是双方变得越来越熟悉的必然结果。其实，它是源于不安全感、死水般的习惯型模式，夸大的依赖感、负面投射、独立性丧失以及责任感。随时间流逝，双方都开始通过牺牲个人个性的方式来成为夫妻整体中的一半，这也常常会降低他们对彼此的基本吸引力。最终，很多人只留下一种幻想的爱情。他们通过各种惯例、仪式（比如生日和周年纪念日等）、角色扮演等方式来维护这种爱的假象，尽管从客观角度来看，他们的实际相处方式已经不再符合任何对爱情的合理定义。

主演:Dick Durock / Mark Lindsay Chapman / Carrell Myers毒枭风云毒枭风云 (1990) [ 演员 ]导演:利昴 艾查索 (Leon Ichaso)1人评价No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood BrothersNo Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood Brothers (

A fantasy bond is the antithesis of a healthy personal relationship where individuals are free to express their real feelings and desires. This destructive tie functions to perpetuate feelings of distrust，self-hating thought processes，and the inward behavior patterns that each person brings to the relationship. In their destructive coupling，men and women surrender their unique points of view for an illusion of safety.

幻想亲密是一段健康感情关系的截然对立面。在健康感情关系中，双方能够自由表达他们的真实感受和欲求。而幻想亲密这种具有摧毁性的关系模式，却会让双方带入这段感情关系中的不信任感、自我厌恶思维流程、以及内化（隐藏于内心）行为模式一直延续下去。在这种摧毁性的关系中，双方都为了一种安全假象，放弃了各自独有视角。

Perhaps the most significant sign that a fantasy bond has been formed is when one or both partners give up vital areas of personal interest，their unique perspectives and opinions，and their individuality to become a unit，a whole.

幻想亲密的最显著特征，可能就是当双方都放弃了一些个人主要兴趣，各自观点与视角，以及各自个性，只为了让两人成为一体。

The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to an insidious and progressive loss of identity in each person. The individuals involved learn to rely more and more on habitual contact，with less and less personal feeling. They find life increasingly hollow and empty as they give up more aspects of their personalities.

想要通过与他人融合为一体的这种假象来寻找安全感，会悄然导致双方身份渐渐丢失。双方学着越来越依赖于惯例式接触，而个人感受越来越弱化。当他们放弃个人性格中的更多方面时，他们发现生活变得越来越空洞空虚。

06.

How can you break into the fantasy bond

如何破除这种幻想亲密

There are a number of steps that individual partners can take to break into the fantasy bond they have formed with each other. Partners can:

有很多方法可以破除这种幻想亲密。比如：

1. Admit the existence of a fantasy bond. Stop denying that they have become distant and their actions are no longer loving.

承认幻想亲密的存在。停止否认他们已经变得疏远、他们的行为已经不具爱意。

2. Reveal feelings of anger，hostility，and withholding patterns and admit critical，hostile attitudes toward themselves and their partner.

认识到自己的愤怒感、敌意和回避行为模式，承认对自己以及对方的批判、敌视态度。

3. Face the psychological pain and sadness involved in attempting to reestablish intimacy.

当试图重建亲密感时，面对这一过程中的心理疼痛和悲伤。

4. Expose their fears of individuation and separation，including the fear of loss or death of their partner as well as their own death.

展露对独立和分离的恐惧，其中也包括对失去对方、对方死亡以及自己死亡的恐惧。

5. Move toward independence and respect for each other and establish true equality. Disrupt reciprocal patterns of dominance，submission，and defiance.

走向独立、尊重彼此，建立真正的平等。打破之前的主导、服从和蔑视等相互关系模式。

6. Develop a non-defensive posture toward feedback and an open and honest style of communication.

欣然接受反馈意见，建立开放坦诚的沟通方式。

7. Move toward increased interaction with others—extend one's circle of family and friends to provide better reality testing.

增加与他人的互动。扩展个人的亲人朋友圈，以获得更佳的现实检验（区分内在想法与客观现实，即，让亲人朋友给出客观的视角和看法）。

07.

Implications for Psychotherapy

在心理疗法中如何应对

Unless manifestations of the fantasy bond are identified and challenged，therapeutic progress will not be sustained in the relationship. Therefore，effective psychotherapy would mean that a couple’s destructive bonds are revealed and understood in the context of everyone’s fears and anxieties. Negative aspects of partners’ inward lifestyles，and distortions and projections brought to the relationship from past programming，are faced and gradually relinquished. Each person must challenge the idealization of his/her parents and his/her corresponding negative self-image. The ultimate goal of relationship therapy is to help each partner effectively cope with his/her fantasy bond and associated defenses，find satisfaction in goal-directed behavior，and increase his/her tolerance for love and intimacy.

除非能够识别并挑战所表现出的“幻想亲密”迹象，否则这段感情关系就无法获得疗愈进展。因此，有效的心理疗法应该展现夫妻双方的摧毁性“亲密”关系，并从双方的恐惧和焦虑这一视角来解读理解。去直面并逐渐消除双方的回避式生活方式、以及因往昔经历而带入这段感情中的歪曲解读与投射。

双方都必须挑战自己对父母的理想化视角，挑战各自相应的负面自我形象。感情咨询的最终目的，是帮助双方有效应对各自的“幻想亲密”以及相关防御机制，在目标导向型行为（设定具体目标，努力达成）中获得满足感，提升双方对爱和亲密感的接纳程度。

Positive change takes place only when the fantasy bond in the original family is investigated and its reestablishment is challenged in the current relationship. As fantasy bonds were understood and relinquished，the individuals in a relationship manifest new energy，self-possession，and vitality—and are able to become loving companions and allies.

只有当深入探究原生家庭中的幻想亲密、去挑战当前感情关系中所重建的幻想亲密，才会实现积极的改变。当两人理解并摒弃他们的幻想亲密，他们会展现出新的能量、沉着自持、以及蓬勃活力——他们才能够成为真正的爱人和同盟。